- Kristen Welker, the moderator, will orchestrate the debate with a massive switchboard on her desk, Beats by Dre on her ears, and a red Staples Easy Button she’ll press to mute the candidates. Muting will go wrong, and we’ll hear Trump interrupt his own voice while Biden’s lips move on screen.
- In his introductory remarks, Joe will say, “Well, it’s nice of you to join us at the debates, Mr. President.” Trump will say that anyone who wants to debate on Zoom is a “pussy.” #ZoomPussy will trend and will battle Toobin’s #ZoomDick on Twitter.
- Trump will claim that Giuliani was only tucking his shirt in, then he will demonstrate how to tuck in a dress shirt, taking down his pants on stage. In the audience, the Woman in the Red Glasses from Miami will swoon. At that point, the guys who invented “Untuckit” will rush on stage to promo their new fall line.
- Muting will fail. And Kristen Welker will produce a conch that will be passed to whomever is speaking. Trump will call Joe a Piggy and use a pair of Joe’s glasses to start a fire, which will burn the whole stage to the ground.
- Joe will remind everyone that he grew up in Scranton and knows that the hard-working people of America are suffering. Trump will cut in and tell everyone in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida to go answer their door. Standing there will be the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol with a 10' check made out for $15, signed Donald J. Trump. Nancy Pelosi will tweet that she was responsible for getting everyone their $15.
- At the 60-minute mark, Trump will walk off the stage, claiming he only does 60 minutes. Lesley Stahl from “60 Minutes” will take his place for the following 30 minutes. That 30 minutes will be broadcast later on CBS as “30 Minutes” — a last-ditch partnership with Quibi.
- At one point, Kristen Welker will invite both Hunter Biden and Ivanka Trump on stage. Their fathers will each kiss them somewhere on the face so that Americans can finally decide whose kisses are creepy and whose are truly empathetic. Tiffany will step up and offer herself as tribute instead.
- Trump will badger Joe about Hunter, and Joe will shake his head, “Will you shut the fuck up, man?” Siri will auto-correct “fuck” to “duck.”
- Trump will complain that the commission changed the debate topics last-minute. He was not prepared to discuss America.
- Afterward, Jill Biden will join Joe on the stage, in a hazmat suit. And Melania will walk on stage in a Dem-blue Zara jacket that says, “I can’t wait. Thank you.”
Julio Vincent writes weekly here on Medium. Follow to read his future pieces. He lives in New York City, where he is a writer and director. His debut feature film will be released this fall from Samuel Goldwyn Films. Learn more and join his newsletter at www.juliovincent.com.