SATIRE

Leaked Early Draft: Official Remarks on Gay/LGBT Month

Well the election, it came out really well. Next time we’ll triple the number or quadruple it. About ten gay guys voted for me. We want to get it over 22, right. At least 22. Maybe one for every other state. But a lot in California. Lot of gay guys in California.

Well, this is Gay Pride Month, or LGBT Month. Do we include the Q, not sure, for the month, do we put the Q in? So this is our little breakfast, our little get-together, our little gay picnic. And just a few notes. During this month, we honor the tremendous history of the Gay People throughout our country. And the Ls and the Bs and the Ts. All of them. Throughout the world, if you really think about it, right. And their story is one of unimaginable persistence in the face of discrimination. They get discriminated against all the time. Constantly. Big discrimination. AIDS.

I’ve gotten a real glimpse during the campaign; I had Peter speak at the convention and he taught me a lot. They’re incredible people. And I want to thank Peter. Couldn’t be here. How can you argue with Peter? He’s gay. Everybody knows it. Never tried to kiss me. But, hey, he’s Peter. Very wealthy. And gay. Very wealthy.

This month we celebrate The Gay People. People don’t think I like gay people, but I held their flag up. Very colorful. That wasn’t fake news. I’ll tell you if something is. Everything on CNN: fake news. But Fox has treated me very nice, wherever Fox is, thank you. We don’t do CNN anymore. Kellyanne did a good job with Anderson. He’s gay. But no more CNN. No, I held that flag up. I don’t hang it in my house, but I held it up for the pictures taking. I said I won’t touch gay marriage and I won’t touch it. I’ll let Mike handle it. Right, Mike? The press is very hard on him with the gays. They are. That’s how they are. It’s very unfortunate. A disgrace, really.

I am very proud now that we have a monument, Stonewall, a bar. It’s a bar, really. Did you know that? Obama made it. Where people can go and see some Gay People. They protested there once. Huge protests. Bigger than…The Gay People and the cops. This was before Black Lives Matter. Some gays are black. Some are white. I don’t think protesters should get a monument, but they were gay protesters, so… it’s a bar. Give it to ’em. So many other things, Harvey Milk — Harvey Milk is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job that is being recognized more and more, I notice. Ellen John, Ellen and Elton John and millions more LG Americans who made Americans what it is today. Big impact. I’m proud to honor this heritage and will be honoring it more and more.

Folks at the table, in almost all cases, have been great friends and supporters. And Peter. We’re going to be great for the Gay People. They’ll have jobs, some wages. If they want a cake, they’ll go to a bakery who is a Jew maybe or a Protestant who accepts it. It’ll be great. There are enough cakes for everybody. We’re going to work very hard. Mike’s going to be doing that, big league, that’s one of his big things that we’re going to be looking at. We need cakes and we’re going to do that with laws. We’re going to make it safe. We’re going to make it much better than it is right now. Right now it’s terrible.

I saw you talking about it the other night, Chad, on something else that was really — you did a fantastic job the other night on a very unrelated show. I’m ready to do my part, and I will say this, we’re going to work together. This is a great group, this is a group that’s been so special to me. I’m from New York. Great city. We have Gay People there. Not as many as California, but Ivanka has a gay friend. Big gay community, Chelsea. They got the bars, not all of them are monuments, just that one, and the flags.

If you remember, I wasn’t going to do well with the LGTs and the Qs, and after they heard me speaking and talking about me keeping marriage and holding the flag, we ended up getting, I won’t go into details, but we ended up getting substantially more than other candidates who had run in the past years. So much more. And now we’re going to take that to new levels.

I want to thank my television star over here, Andy — actually a very nice person. Nobody knows that. Better than Rosie, gay, and Anderson, gay, and Meryl, not gay but maybe a Q. Andy, I like. Very special. So I want to thank everybody for being here.

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Where the personal, pandemic and the political meet // juliovincent.com • @juliovincent

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