The Specific Code of Lesbian Dance Theory

Three words are 3x the trigger

Julio Vincent Gambuto

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Photo by Brian Kyed on Unsplash

This week, that embarrassment of a House Representative Lauren Boebert accused President Biden of robbing Americans in order to fund degrees in “lesbian dance theory.” Where does one begin to break down the idiocy of such a statement? It’s an attack on the humanities. A dig at Biden. The only thing she could come up with to counter what is being hailed as successful gamble on the president’s part to up his popularity as the midterms approach.

Let’s set aside for a second whether or not the move to erase $10k-$20k in student loans was/is a good idea. I have plenty of thoughts. I am, after all, still paying off shitty bagels I ate in the 90s, financed as part of “room and board” charges from my undergrad degree. At (an average of) 8% interest, compounded annually — I’m still checking all the numbers so I can write something meaningful about these fucking bagels — I will pay upwards of $12 per bagel when all is said and done. Not the point. Lesbian dance theory is the point.

These three words are specifically meant to trigger every religious Conversative, red-stater, Trumper, and the like. There is nothing random about these words, nor unintended. Boebert may be a moron — in my estimation and that of millions of us — but that phrase was well-crafted, no doubt from extreme-right handlers who feed the inane puppet her talking points. Let’s take a quick look:

Lesbian is meant to scare straight people. It’s queer. It’s gay. It’s all the letters. It’s the alphabet people coming after you. They were supposed to destroy your marriage, but that never happened, so now they’re out to turn your kid trans and trying to get you to chop your dick off. Look out, anyone who supports student-loan-debt relief is a total fag. Any college class or degree that educates about personal expression, sexuality, women or any gender is a waste of money.

Dance is meant to make you stand up tall and never move. It’s what women do; they dance. It’s mean to evoke all toxic masculinity. Dance is for people who are happy, joyful, excited, or who want to honor their foreigner culture like those Indian people (dot not feather) who dance at weddings. Dance is for pussies. Dance is for lady-men. See “Lesbian” but broaden your fear to all…

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Julio Vincent Gambuto

Author + Moviemaker // Happiness in a fucked-up modern world // New book from Avid Reader Press (Simon & Schuster) // Audie Finalist // SXSW // juliovincent.com